Author: rawpaneer

My heart beats. Fast. And then slow. Up and down. My stomach feels like it\’s about to turn. My head is spinning slowly. The sounds I hear are this loud hmms and buzz together. O loud, ye so silent, I\’m the only one hearing them. They have a pattern of playing. It\’s doing something to…

I hope you read this some day. I can\’t even begin to tell you what I feel about you. Never felt anything so pure for someone. We\’ve built our trust together. We talk. We listen. We could even be best friends some day. You\’ve helped me survive the worst of the days. Just thinking of…

My insides hurt. Outside, I\’m calm. Smile on my face, Sweat in my palms. It sit with it, All day all night. But once it hits, I\’m too weak to fight. My heart pounds on silence. My insides get so violent. I want to clench my chest, Just give my heart some rest. I feel…

I\’m ready to leave, I\’m getting late. No longer can I wait. To get back to my life, My version of a housewife. But there is this kid I know Everyday I see him grow. They way he changes and he smiles Makes my heart stop for a while. Everytime we say goodbye I can\’t…

Every time we talked, you asked me when I\’m coming to your home. I thought I didn\’t deserve the happiness I get when I\’m with you. Fuck that. I\’m on the way. I\’m coming to see my joy. Your smile will make everything else melt away, and I\’m ready to stop being sad for myself.…

I\’ve taken my med to go to sleep. But I can\’t sleep. It happened yesterday too. I made the mistake of taking another pill and that shut me out for 12 hours. Don\’t do that, friends. It\’s dangerous. And exciting. Playing with your life seems exciting. Fucked up. But aren\’t all fucked up things a…

i try to breathe, i cant. around me i see blue, it keeps getting darker. something is pulling me down. im trying to pull myself up trying to hold on to something, all i catch is water and it slips. everything is so silent and i cant even hear myself. but i hear the ocean…

I\’m going to try and not use the word love a lot. The more I say it, the more it loses meaning. Once he said to me I don\’t need to say these words to you again and again because it\’s not changed. It is a constant state and also so erratic. You get spurs…

Hello there. I am Paneer. I overthink, a lot. And sometimes those thoughts are fascinating and I want to share them. Don\’t expect to learn anything of value from here, these are mostly really unnecessary thoughts. Sometimes I go on this journey with my mind and I would like another person (or even an animal)…

There is this smoke that walks beside me. Its presence usually blinds me. I see it when it wants me to. But, hey, this isn\’t something new. It whispers to me what others say, Words and actions of everyday. I say, this did not happen. But it reminds me my memory is blacken. I can\’t…